"Blokc"

Dang, this is something that happens rarely to me. In my career that I am pursing, what I love the most. It's what I have left of the kid in me. The early morning cartoon to get my imagination started aren't here anymore. I don't have them in my grasp. This is where it clashes. My egos/ different personalities. On tells me to relax and do art and the other tells me to play the game and keep this anger from building up to the point of procrastination. I blokc out the dumb stuff in my life including the people. They wonder why I can't be the way I am toward them. It should send them a signal. To leave me be but that signal doesn't get to them in time before I tune them out or beat them into my external persona. 
Man, as an Artist I have seen that you need to get your own space, the space in a world that changes the environment that can relate to my artistic ways. Do things that claim the psyche so that we as artist can become productive. Usually I would use my anger to and alter that into a positive piece of art. It has been a long time coming to where I have that space to go and chill out and let my brain and emotions run with my paper and  pen. Or what ever medium I would be using. 


Also music tunes my emotions to grasp the feeling of my art. You can simply look at my art and tell what kind of music I was listening to at the time. Also while I write and or type.  I don't say that it is weird but it soothes me to a point of where the person that did take me away from all that pain could. Now there are only a few people that can do that.When I lost her I lost a part of me. An people see that and it's not good. Im still recovering and recovery is only a process but who knows how long that is going to take. I hope not long because it feels like im hurting everyone around me. Only the ones that don't know me and say they do. There is only so much I can tell you, and only so much I can do. Because my words can't explain it, only my actions. 


I'm back to square one. I'm back behind this damn Vault door that won't open wide but still won't close shut. I leave it cracked open just a bit but it's to the point that I don't want anyone. 


This is only myself fighting myself trying to get through myself. I call it "Blokc"

THE HEART SPEAKS

These obstacles hit me like a freight train, speeding in more than one lane, Damn i'm flinchin', not to minchin im half way gone. Loving the comfort, but there is this mental block, this surgical block. Something like writers block, Heavy hearted and you got my mind kinda stuck. Man it makes me sick, my stomach is feeling like pretty silk. Something as if it was poured milk, in a glass cup. I wish I knew why you make me feel this way and why I feel this way but I do. Man My heart pumps different when i'm around you. My body relaxes in your arms, I try and open up every time for the sake of my sanity. I don't trust anyone but family anymore. It might sound crazy but the only person that gave me hope was Jasmine. She taught me how to trust. Now it just feels like I'm close to bustin'.
At nite I want to hold you, but i know my trusting you stops this at time so I leave and when I leave you wish I was near, but when I'm near every thing isn't clear. As if we were driving in a Snow storm level RED and the car or truck has lost power steering. Oh the FEAr. Let's not shed tears. if only you could read my thoughts, if only you could see my FEAR, that I hide with this smile---->>>>

Sometimes my words can't explain the feelings, the stress can topple me, drop me and it hurts every time healing my own wounds, tending to my own wounds, damn I broke my leg; thats how it feels instead. This is my year I keep telling myself that and it starts to fade, and get foggy everyday...Every day I try and stay positive and help others but really who is here to help me and my cause in life. This is where I get selfish this is where I get on my FUCK YOU IM IN IT BY MYSELF FOREAL.  Sometime I need that person to take me away from it all, the Bills, The STRESS, WORK, SCHOOL AND MONEY...HMMM

That person is in TOLEDO,OHIO I dnt visit them that often nor do we talk as much, but I know they hear me, Speaking to myself when I think of a master plan and I always go to plan D, before going with PLAN A, or B. Damn I don't even think I have a PLAN C. But YOU see this is only a plan that can only help me get to A-B. Constant attention is needed, I only try to turn the the nob on this door---->>>>>

This is where it lies, that thing that bumps within between my chest, Sitting on death row, ready for whatever the type of fatal death that lies within the door on the plate. Lethal injection, Stoned to death, Electrocution. But here it sits WAITING on someone to pull the plug, Someone to SAve it, From this Dampered Thud. A beat with no rhythm; The only possible thing torturing this HEART is Slow songs, about Love and what kind of defeat their is to accomplish the tiring slumber that it lies in. The Lies that it's heard throughout it existence and Believed the warm soft voice of the Ones that have whispered "I Love YOu".. Ugh Someone destroy you. Atomic Bomb STaTus.  This is the Story of my heart feeling as though it's EXISTENT. 

Men Are Easy (unfinished)

The first thing that I/we/most mature men look at is the way you look, from head to toe to feet an all the features that come with you. The grace in your walk, and how you dress for a casual day. The soft skin that glissins when the light hits it. The fragrances that you wear on your days out. we pay attention without words. watch our eyes light up like the New York Christmas tree. After a couple of days that we observe, we give interesting conversation. An for the kind of men that we are we doesn't matter if we are getting a vibe from you after a couple of drinks or just in general, that you want to mount tha dick...That just means you find us attractive enough to let us share your sacred spot.

The Truf about it all

This day of all days I keep thinking, wondering what can I do to keep this fire burning, what can I do to keep my art flowing. Is there anything that I can use to motivate me what can I do to keep this desire burning inside me, to release to my world. The days are becoming blurry as to succeed, education feels like a trap to keep money flowing into this world. From not paying for school and keeping things going for the better to paying for everything in general. Meals, books etc. Things can't get any better than this but it can get worst. I stand back and look at the de-evolution of our poor community and watch jobs disappear and healthcare rise while the poor and even middle class starve, pull out loans to have a house, retail and different businesses go under, and pull less and less profit than going under the rector scale. What scares me the most is going and starting my clothing business and it doesn't make any profit. Yes it is a movement but the thing is It's all on me to take that leap of faith and to make profit from nothing. Needing to learn the endorsement 

Cliffhanger

tha path i walk is steep, lets hike. grab tha gear cliffhanger.ull need stamina, sanity, an open mind, time and a rope 2 suspend urself frm my baggage and the bullshyt that i wuld put u threw 2 even see tha top of this m0untain. @ tha top of this m0untains peak there is n0thing bt beauty, its a sight 2 see. i promise jus stick with me. this is m0re than a journey! we'll run thru my past, walk skip an hop along wit tha present. Crawl an dig thru tha hard times then camp on our success. although bundled thru the stress. Dont be intimidated by my better half in the forest, that only wears a vest. Its jus me, consumed by stress. Throw some comfort at him to relief the stress, hold him close, kiss him an give him plenty of rest. Climbing the mountain of Trials only to creep up behind the moon. Months past us, years have seen us, u fell no safety net clinged to us... i say as we fall, in a spiraling tumble hitting every sharp edge that had stuck out, an even the nails that we left to support us were bent an broken. I told this hike was steep i jus didnt tell u that there had been no bottom beneath.

numb the pain

im upset, up set an clearly fraustrated with what this phase n my life has landed upon...From biting my tongue an lies, to give em raw truth an butterflies... They say that lies make it worse an tha truth will set u free, to me thats a bunch of bull shyt like tha apple dont fall to far from tha tree. i've never walked n ur footsteps an we dnt wear tha same size shoe...to me right now this exploration of life i have no clue... i never try to lead someone astray, bt my feelings collide with wat i say...true statements n lost chapters. She whispers to me, itll get greater later... Dang Jasmine i miss u... As i heal more pain consumes my canvas...my queen has pasted, all that surround me are peasants with no class...The place is crowded, my hands are full, bt it seems the people that have my back jus turn out to be fools... not worthy of my hand nothin too good to be tru, to my soul... some wifi connection bt no perfect stone...so i replace love with pain an sexual pleasure...masacist, sexual deviant whispers after my name... ETIENNE that boi will put ur heart to shame.

More than Jus Fraustration

i have a temper like dat bulky green guy.... feed me fraustrati0n, eliminate comfort fill my pillow with stress. like a nice fluffy cloud as i lose sight as i rest. my eyes turn red an my heart rate increases. multiple pers0nalities an everybdy hasnt seen them. its time 2 isolate 4rm tha weak, its time 2 give bak 2 me. i dne gave 2 much i have n0thn mre 2 give... ppl take an take nw its my turn 2 live. ima grind til i break sumthn i dnt have time 2 chill, i m0ve at my own pace, and im hobblin still. my knees hurt 4rm crawln REAL. u cant b my cane bcuz ur nt str8 ur nt still. ur nt strong willd, i can care less abt hw u feel. u nt undastandin u cant see ur blind chill. it was never abt u bitch fall bak die if u will...I m0rph n2 tha biggest bitch u ever seen. raised by all woman, real men dnt hyt woman bt sum bitchs need dey wig split.

images

 These images, whip ma memory before i slp. i dont whimper i dont make a peep, there are nites like this that keep me up, the images that keep me from falling aslp. Without discreet my mind turns blind an these images shine an stain my mind. oh so polished ever so fine. The goodtimes are dim an all of our lil disputes are swallowed as i shove the petty things down along with this. Baby its been this long, an now that im home i feel whole. So much of u fills this house, so many images filled this house. with every month has an image, an every month has its price. my heart is stained an polished ever so nice. The closer i get to loving another, these images surface. Especially the last time i saw u on this earth did. The image of u laying there, they way ma heart broke an shattered into a million tears. the way this tear falls down now as i type my fears. So much of me is u, U understud that a picture can last a lifetime, and an image is for all of time as long as its with u. Damn I miss u. 8/2/89-6/13/10 Love u Pooh

Focused beyond Love Pt.1

As the New Year dawned upon me, upon us a new me was introduCed A happier person. A more focused person. I was touched in some way that night. The way I had entered the new year was great. It was beyond what I was able to comprehend, beyond what I needed to blend. To the great people in my Life. To the people that saw my Ups and Claimed my Down, To those that picked me up an sat me Down. The terrible past that was gift wrapped and opened to be my Present. I see more of my future and I am more than focused. This Father this man is me. So let me gather mySelf. Pause as I flatten my stress, compress my wealth an Strive toward success. Here I come here I go Lets Strive for nothingless. 

My Flowers to her

This day i didn't decide to get up and jump with joy, it was a lot on my heart. The other day I was okay then these memories dashed through me and ran me away. I wanted to run away, to her and only her. Kiss the ground on which she is underneath. I cried in the shower but only for a split second. My mind is chaotic, fighting the emotions and feelings yearning for attention, love and the die'r need for affection. As the shower water hits ma face, my heart falls along with the water. So i spill my love down this drain an it went to these flowers. To do what is needed and being around my seed makes it easier to coop with is pain. The memories still hunts me but my pain is release through the good doing, dancing, poetry, my art, and photography.

Christmas memoir

This day, these past couple of days, have become so obscure. So what is my cure. My chest is tight and my head is light. There must be something that keeps my chest tight. It beats ever so slow, but the receivers see things in slow motion. Something more than a flooded ocean. I'm floatin. Through the mist, fog there is no light. Im out of sight. Sore from the pain that stains my chest. But there are so many people depending on me and supporting me.  

112- Smile

I remember when My sister played there music a lot lol

My Three Stoogies

The goof troop Emani, Lakayla, and Aliyah. Ma Baby and her cousins lol they are a trip together but these are all my kids i would call them. lol I remember when Aliyah didn't know me because I was at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh and I rarely had the money to come home and stuff lol. LaKayla, I basically had her ever since I was like 14, she spent most of her time with me and she Loves her uncle, As she would tell you.  That Gurl is always talking lol, but thats a good thing because I will never tell her to shut up. Emani this lil princess is goofy like her mom and dad but reminds me of her mother a lot from the things that she does, everyday she becomes more and more like her.

POOH BEAR

This picture is of Jasmine her mother and Emani. How I miss this woman so much it is not crazy but I lost more than just the mother of my child, I lost my best friend, my world as I knew it. The only thing that I knew was her. I am strong and can talk about this more than what I am use to and can give people a picture of what I am missing. A woman full of life and have a lot to offer. The one thing that She kept giving me was love and support. My Ride or Die and If she said Jump i would ask how high. She is watching over us, Emani and I. Man the things I would give to have her here with me once again, It would be a crime to commit and 8 years of my life that I would never forget. I LOVE YOU JASMINE PHENIQUE CARNES 8-2-89/ 6-13-89

Emani

Emani Evette Grinter, lol This is my little world, and my only girl. I want another child but that can wait until she is like 5 or so lol, I do this for her and her only. 

Daddy time lol

This is Daddy's lil gurl, well she isn't so little anymore lol. She just turned 2 on the 6th of December. My everything she is the closet thing I have to her mother.

Pointed in the Other Direction

Through art I can express anything, becoming creative and letting someone know what is special about me and Why I do the things that I do. I really want to become more than just what I planned out to be this is why I lay myself back to back because who is going to watch it but me.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time lol

Me and my younger sister

Until next year

This day that I write in my blogg most of everyone hasn't seen. This is me my journey and almost everything in between. My journey is important and I want it to be seen. While I network, design and become that something that is unseen. Indirect light beams and reflections of my former self, I put things down, I try things out like its a trial but more of a test. I noticed that I don't blog for a long period of time. It is just something to past m time. From now on, I am going to wake up and blogg each morning or at least try to. This artistic journey has just started and I want to know how it is going. 

January 1st is the day that everything will become different. Something new will pop up and someone special will be by my side. It seems like everyone that wants me, wants me for something. Its just not the something I'm looking for. I can't describe it but it hurts to hear that you heard something from someone, it  kills me to know what I have done in my past that can still haunt me so far from the city of which I have a past. The 3 years that I have been here in Pittsburgh,Pa I've done nothing but be myself and do me. Not to much worried about who want to see me. I tell people off jump street that I have a baby girl, but I guess in the back of their mind it just makes them curl. The good news is that I've finally brought myself to become mad interested in someone that I don't see everyday, but they way that she thinks. Man she has her mind on straight. The only thing that I'm really cautious about is the fact that she doesn't want kids. She is young and I can understand how things that I say can get stupid real. Sex is not a game anymore it's a thrill. I kinda like the fact that I can think about her so much and almost live more than 10 miles away from her. Things seem as though they want me to go but I'm listening to Jas on this one, she knows best and I just need her to guide my heart, so it can rest.